


Why Did You Do It?

by heylittleangel



Series: Supernatural Bingos [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, ex-demon!Dean, right after 10x03, suffering!Dean, you can consider it as a coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-09 08:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20850731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heylittleangel/pseuds/heylittleangel
Summary: Dean doesn't know how to feel after being cured. If he's being really honest, he would say that he misses being a demon.





	Why Did You Do It?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey peeps, how are you? I'm back with another square filled for @spngenrebingo and this one was "Demon". I've been wanting to write something like this for a while because I'm obsessed for demon!Dean (I wish we could've gotten more of him) and I hope you like it. It's not beta'ed so all mistakes are mine and mine alone.

Dean is sitting on his bed, going through the pictures he found when he went to his room—probably left by on Sam earlier. He stares at one of him and Sam, one that he doesn’t even remember being taken for a few seconds until there’s a knock on the door. Dean looks around him for a place to hide them, deciding to put the pictures under the bible on his nightstand, and adjusts his position. He turns his gaze to the door, keeping a deadpan expression. “Yeah?”

Cas opens the door, his mouth open to say something, but he frowns when he sees Dean. “You look terrible.”

Dean scoffs lightly, avoiding Cas’s gaze. “Y’know, it wouldn’t kill you to lie every now and again.”

“No, it wouldn’t kill me. I just, you—,” Cas stammers.

“Forget it,” Dean cuts him, closing his eyes and shaking his head lightly. “Well, you, on the other hand, you,” he hesitates and clears his throat, standing up. “Lookin’ good. So, are you back?” Dean walks closer to Cas, stoping in front of him.

Cas nods slightly, staring at himself. “At least temporary. Yeah, it’s a long story. Crowley, stolen Grace. There’s a female outside in the car.” He pauses for a few seconds, Dean tilting his head in confusion— _ why would there be a woman in Cas’s car?  _ “Another time.” 

“Well, thank you for, um… stepping in when you did.” Cas nods, and Dean starts to walk to the other side of the room not wanting to look at Cas’s eyes. “What does Sam say? Does he want a divorce?” 

“I’m sure Sam knows that whatever you said or whatever you did, that wasn’t really you. Well,” Cas tilts his head, “it certainly wasn’t  _ all _ you.” 

Dean stops arranging the books on his bed and looks at Cas. “I tried to kill him, Cas.” 

Cas shakes his head, putting his hands in his pockets. “Dean, you two have been through so much, you— Look, you’re brothers. It’d take a lot more than trying to kill Sam with a hammer to make him want to walk away. and you know that” 

“You realize how screwed up our lives are that that even makes sense?” Cas chuckles softly. “I’m glad you’re here, man,” Dean says in a lower tone, moving his eyes to the floor.

Cas gives a small tip with his head and starts to leave, but he turns with his hand on the doorknob. “Hey, maybe you should, um, take some time before you get back to work; allow yourself to heal. It’s, uh, I don’t know. Timing might be right. Heaven and Hell, they seem reasonably back in order. It’s quiet out there. It would be a good time to step away for a while.” 

Cas gives him a small smile, turning to leave, but Dean calls him, “Cas?” He turns to face Dean, his hand still on the doorknob. “Are you, are you leaving already?”

“No. Sam asked me to check on you while he was out getting food. So I’ll stay here until he gets back.” 

“Oh. Uh, can you—will you st—” Dean takes a deep breath, lowering his eyes to stare at his hands, fumbling them in front of him. “Could you—”

Cas chuckles softly, understanding without Dean having to say it. “Of course, Dean. I can stay here with you until Sam gets back.”

Dean gives a sigh of relief and sinks onto his bed, holding the book on his hands until his knuckles start to go white. He doesn’t even know why he has the book or which book it is. Cas stretches his hand to Dean until Dean looks up, frowning. Cas flexes his fingers until Dean hands Cas the book. Cas gives him a reassuring smile and turns to put the book on its place. Dean stands up, getting another book and putting it along with the other. The two of them work in silence, their arms touching a few times as they take the books and files from the bed and put them on top of the cabinet—how Dean even let it get messed as it is in the first place, he doesn’t know.

Dean avoids Cas’s eyes at all costs, always looking down at his feet or whatever book he has on his hands whenever Cas turns to him. Cas lets him have his moments, and Dean knows it’s because Cas knows Dean well enough to be sure that Dean wants company but not to share his thoughts with someone else for now, still working up the courage to do it. 

After a few minutes of putting the books away, Dean reads the title of the one he has on his hands, freezing as he stares at it.  _ Demoniality: Incubi and Succubi _ . Millions of thoughts start to pass through Dean’s mind, thoughts Dean doesn’t want to think about; thoughts that he  _ shouldn’t _ be thinking about.

Cas stops by his side, his voice calm, “What is it, Dean?” Dean sighs, gripping the book tighter, still avoiding Cas’s eyes. His fingers gurt from holding the book too tightly. Cas puts his hand on Dean’s arm, making Dean relax his hold on the book. “You can tell me, Dean. It’s not good to keep those things inside of you.”

Dean takes a deep breath, letting his hold relax completely, the book almost falling to the floor. Cas takes it from his hands, putting it with the others. Dean sinks onto the bed, burying his face on his hands. “Why did you do it, Cas?”

“Did what, Dean?”

“Turned me back. Why not let me keep being a demon or just kill me? It would’ve been easier.”

The bed sinks slightly by Dean’s side, Cas’s warm reaching Dean. “What do you mean? What is the matter?”

Dean takes his hands from his face, placing them between his legs and staring at them. “If I’m honest to you, do you promise you won’t tell Sam?”

Cas nods, hands resting on his thighs.“Of course, Dean. You can tell me anything, you know that.”

Dean takes a deep breath, starting to bounce his leg up and down. He keeps his gaze on his hands as he talks, his voice low and soft, “I know this is gonna sound bad, believe me, I know, but, jus-just don’t judge me, okay?” Cas agrees, staring at the side of Dean’s face. Dean takes another deep breath. “Okay, when I was a demon, I was still me, at least deep inside of my own twisted brain, it was still me. It’s just, the demon part of me stopped me from caring about anything, worrying only about what would be my primal instincts, I think. Or maybe just with whatever the Mark wanted, which normally was booze, kills, and sex, nothing more. Probably that’s one of the reasons Crowley didn’t want me as a demon anymore because, according to him, he wanted someone to rule Hell with him and that wasn’t what demon-me wanted. And I was uncontrollable because of the Mark so it didn’t work for him to have me as a demon.”

Dean pauses, taking steady breaths to calm himself. Cas doesn’t say anything, letting Dean take his time to talk again. “I think Crowley’s the only reason Sam found me, ‘cause I was trying my damn best not to get caught ‘cause I knew he was going to cure me and I didn’t want it. I mean, I know being a demon sucks but,” Dean pauses, running a hand through his hair. “Y’know, I’ve been livin’ with this weight on my shoulders since I was four years old, man. I didn’t get the chance to truly be a kid ‘cause after Mom died, practically all of the responsibility to take care of Sam fell on me, and I couldn’t be a kid while I was watching over him.” Dean bites his lower lips, exhaling hard through his nose. “I had to grow up so fast and that weight never stopped being on my shoulders, ‘cause Sam never stopped being my responsibility. I mean, he would get older and learn to take care of himself, but I was always there, still taking care of him when I knew damn well he could take care of himself. And don’t get me wrong, I love Sam, I’ve died for him and I would again if I had to, but it wasn’t fair what Dad did to me, putting a life on my hands when I didn’t even know how to handle my own. And he never stopped doing that, being always ‘take care of your brother’, no matter what happens to me.” Dean pulls his legs up, putting his arms around them. 

Cas nods slightly and he puts his hand on Dean’s arm carefully. Dean doesn’t react but he can’t say it’s not nice. Once he feels calm enough, Dean starts talking again, “Being a demon, I finally didn’t have that weight on me, y’know? For the first time in my whole life, I didn’t have to worry about Sam, if he was safe or if he was okay. I could just worry about me and what  _ I _ wanted for a change.” Dean raises his head to stare at Cas, scoffing. “That makes me sound so selfish, doesn’t it?”

Cas shakes his head, eyes serious as he stares into Dean’s. “Of course not, Dean. You’ve been in charge of Sam’s safety for so long, it’s only natural for you to want to worry about you a little. But you’ve never let yourself worry about you, exactly because you think it’s a selfish thing to do. But, as a demon, you only worried about you, because demons are selfish. But you can try to use it as a lesson—you can worry about Sam but you can also worry about you. Sam is not your full responsibility anymore. He knows how to take care of himself.”

Dean gives him a half-smile, turning his head back and staring at the wall. “Yeah, maybe I could. It was a lot easier too ‘cause I didn’t have all those feelings inside of me, all that guilt I usually carry for the people I’ve killed or the people I failed to save, and that hunt me until today. Finally not having to feel like I’m the worst person ever for not being able to save all of them was so good, ‘cause I could finally not give a crap about it and not feel bad. I know that was mostly ‘cause my demon part didn’t give a crap, but I could finally not feel that guilt too, y’know? And that felt so good too.

“I really thought I was happy as a demon ‘cause everything was easier. If I wanted something, I could just take it, no feelings or concerns involved. I didn’t have to worry about what could cost me to take what I wanted, who could get hurt or anything like that, ‘cause there was nothing inside of me that gave a crap. And I really wanted to keep it like that, y’know? Even as you and Sam turned me back, even when I was more human than demon, I didn’t wanna be turned back ‘cause everything was worse, all those feelings I’ve been hiding since pretty much forever coming, the guilt, the pain, and I didn’t want it back. I didn’t want any of that back. Everything was so much easier like that and I just wanted to keep it that way.”

Cas turns to stare at Dean, brows raised. "I know it was easier, Dean. When I was human, every emotion felt stronger than whatever I have ever felt as an angel. The good and the bad feelings were stronger, and when I took the grace from the other angel, I thought it was going to be easier because those feelings weren't going to be amplified anymore. And I will be totally honest with you because you are being honest with me: I miss being human."

Dean raises his head to stare into Cas's eyes, frowning. "You do?"

Cas nods softly. "Yes. Because even if my anger and my guilt were amplified, my love and my care for others was too. And I think it's worth having those bad feelings if you’re also able to have the good ones."

Dean sighs, rubbing a hand on his forehead. “I don’t know, Cas. When I first realized I was human again, I wasn’t happy about it. I was angry at you and Sam for bringing me back, for making me this… weak thing again. I know it wasn’t fair to any of you but for those first minutes, I just wanted to go back to being a demon. I think I still want to. Things were easier that way.”

“I know it was, Dean. And I understand why you want to be that thing again but that’s not who you are. You care too much because it’s in your nature, it’s who you are, from before I met you. But you can try to use that experience to make things easier for you now. You know you can’t save everyone and you don’t have to feel guilty about it, because it’s not you who’s killing them. You’re one of the few that are actually trying to save them. And as for Sam, you can try to worry a little less. You know he’ll be fine without you watching over him every second of his life, you can relax and worry about  _ you _ for a change.”

Dean scoffs lightly. “You really think I can do that, Cas?”

Cas smiles at Dean. “Well, when I was human, PB&J taught me that angels can change. Maybe Winchesters can too. I believe in you, Dean”

Dean gives him half a smile. Cas taps Dean’s shoulder lightly as Dean moves himself to the top of the bed, laying on his back. Cas stands up, grabbing a blanket and throwing on top of Dean. 

He starts to walk to the door when Dean speaks again, “Cas? Can I ask you another question?”

Cas turns to him with a brow arched. “Of course, Dean. What is it?”

“When you we-when you were human, how did you deal with all of the emotions? How did you not drown in them?”

Cas takes a deep breath, walking back to the bed and sitting beside Dean. “It was hard at first because I wasn’t sure how to feel them. It was something strange for me because, even though I started to feel things since I’ve met you and Sam, it was nothing like that. Those feeling were oppressive for me, as they were trying to crush me down. But I learned that they would only crush me down if I let them, and having those feelings meant I was human and alive, and I tried to see it as a good thing, even if it didn’t seem that way.”

“I-I don’t want to deal with all those feelings again, Cas. Every time I close my eyes, I-I see all I did when I was a demon and it’s-it’s horrible. I don’t wanna have it anymore. I don’t think I know how to feel them again.”

“I know you don’t want to, Dean. And I can’t take them away from you because you’ll either be a demon or a soulless human, and I don’t think you want to be any of that. And you’ll learn to feel them again; Sam and I will be here to help you. But I can promise you won’t have any memories of that tonight. I’ll watch over you and keep all of them away from your dreams. If that is not too creepy for you.” Cas gives him a smirk.

Dean laughs softly, nodding. “Today, it won’t. And thank you, Cas. It really means a lot to me.”

“Of course, Dean.”

Dean closes his eyes as Cas puts his hand on his forehead. Dean starts to feel Cas’s grace warming him up and lulling him to sleep peacefully. Dean feels his mouth moving to say something to Cas, but he’s too far gone to know what it was.

Castiel stays in Dean’s room until Sam comes back with a bag of greasy food in his hands. Castiel stops him from entering Dean’s room with a hand on his shoulder. “Let him rest, Sam. He needs it and he’ll be better tomorrow.”

**Author's Note:**

> As always, you can find me on [ tumblr ](https://gii-heylittleangel.tumblr.com)


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